Welcome to singlehood.
Your current situation has a potential for growth that will never exist at any other time in life.
The word "single" in and of itself categorizes an entire group by what they are lacking, what they are seeking. It means alone, apart from the object of your desire. When you look at any other group that is without their object of desire, they are not called "alone." Would you ever describe someone who wanted a cookie as lonely?
And that's why it's so crucial to realize: The current situation, looking for your soul mate, has a certain potential for growth that will never exist again at any other time in life. Right now is an opportunity. Right now is a gift.
But if you are too focused on getting married, you may miss taking advantage of this precious time in your life.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
The first step in realizing the potential of the moment is to appreciate that there are no accidents. You are not single by accident. There has to be a reason, a purpose. God can work things out. God is all good. He has decided that right now, this is the best thing for you. So if he isn't working things out the way you'd like, there must be meaning and potential in your current situation.
In order to learn what being single is about, let's look at the first single who ever existed, Adam:
Classified Ad: Single man, very spiritual, down to earth, likes gardening, dislikes snakes. Seeks life partner who can be my equal, to challenge me, help me grow, and keep me on the straight and narrow.
Humanity was created in two stages. The first being (Adam) was androgynous. All that was female and all that was male existed as one. One body, one soul. Then God makes a very interesting statement: "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18).
Up until now in the creation story, God's running commentary is that everything is good, meaning that everything has all that it needs to do what it was created to do. Not so of man. Man's aloneness will keep him from fulfilling his potential.
There was a purpose for Adam's creation as a bachelor.
The second stage of human creation is the division of male and female. All that is female, physically and spiritually, is separated from this first being (Adam) and placed in its own vessel (Eve). Now man is not alone. He has a wife.
Why didn't God create Adam and Eve as separate beings in the first place? God doesn't make mistakes; therefore, there must have been a purpose for Adam's creation as a bachelor.
During singlehood, Adam went through an exercise, as per God's request, of naming all the animals. By naming each of the animals, he understood the essence of each creature and realized his uniqueness among them. Adam was created B'tzelem Elokim -- in the image of God. Since God has no form, "image" cannot be taken literally. Rather it refers to our ability to relate to other human beings, our capacity to care and to give. This is the meaning of the image of God.
THE HUMAN GIVER
This ability to give could not be expressed when there was just Adam. As a bachelor, he had no one to give to. Man needed an equal in order to express this level of giving. The creation of Eve was the creation of society (not just the creation of women) and the creation of the ability to give meaningfully.
God did not just create the ability to give, He created the desire, the wanting to give, which preceded this ability. "It is not good for man to be alone." During this stage of singlehood we discover our need to give. And this is the time for developing our desire to give.
Singlehood is the time to develop the craving, the absolute burning desire to give.
This is the "now" of being single. Singlehood is the time to develop the craving, the absolute burning desire to give. This is where the pain of being single comes from. Developing an awareness of this need to give, and not having the fullest opportunity to express it.
Real giving means to look at what the other person needs. Learning to understand a person's real needs is the primary skill required for a successful marriage. Giving is only meaningful when it takes into consideration what the receiver needs, not what you want or are able to give. When you focus on the needs of others you are developing sensitivity toward them. You grow into the other person's world and begin to understand them on a very deep level.
Singlehood is the time to practice becoming a giver. Look around you for opportunities to develop as a giver. Are there poor people? Sick? An elderly neighbor? A lonely relative? Get out of your mindset and see how the other person thinks. This is the first step towards meaningful giving, to becoming the greatest "you" -- in preparation for your soul mate.
Now is the time.
based on a lecture by Rabbi Yitzchak Berkowitz
